“STUDY COURSE FOR THE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE-In these modern times of stress and crowding, as more of us are forced to live under one roof, it is incumbent upon the churlish to perfect the art of being difficult. For that reason, famed Hollywood Guru, stargazer to the Stars of Hollywood, Anita Sands now offers a groundbreaking Course: PASSIVE AGGRESSION 101. This is a seminar you must take. In it, YOU WILL LEARN ‘state of the art’ P.A. Technology ! Yes! Up ’til now, you’ve been nasty on the natch but why should you be ordinary in anything you do? There have been important developments in behavioral systems developed for the torture of so-called superior (but really meeker) humans —by surlier, burlier ones —and, as an even cursory purusal of the curriculum of this workshop will prove, tricks in terror can be taught! You can become a doormat with TEETH. HOW?

It pays to stay au courant. Things have moved a great way from the early days of simple, caveman aggression. Advanced studies take basic human aggressiveness and refine it into sublime and ever more evolved manifestations. Use the same old Cro-Magnon fist but shroud it in a Third Millenium velvet glove! P.A. Studies 101 does not involve putting aside the mortal weapon. Oh no. It involves a lighter touch on a smaller, more streamlined club, targeting more mortal spots on the enemy. Take this class and become the shit you always wanted to be!

COLLECTING INJUSTICES –OR THE VALUE OF SCREAMING AND YELLING- (not YOUR screaming. THEM!) When people have too much patience and calm, and constantly summon the strength to be calm around you, it is incumbant upon you to DOUBLE DOWN on being outlandish. I’m talking double-dip nasty. Be hugely provocative. Make them totally lose their cool. Do exactly the opposite of what they tell you to do. Ignore any request. They say, ‘don’t leave, do the work,’ LEAVE and neglect the work and come back and tell them what fun places you went and amusing, creative things you did while they were stuck doing the work. If they say don’t make noise. CHATTER AND PLAY THE RADIO. When you have them blowing up, screaming and yelling say in a gentle, pained manner, ‘See? You’re an angry rageaholic bitch to me.’ When you can truly collect an injustice the collateral benefit is that you get to tell a few of the enemy’s friends of the cruel evils the enemy has done to you. Makes for great gossip down the line. You’ll dine for years on these anecdotes.

CONTROL TRIP: If the Enemy can approach you and talk, he will ultimately control you. Always avoid conversational approaches. As a chatty Cathy comes at you, or as Enemy moves toward you with mouth open, immediately trip switches that leave them powerless. Lock yourself in your own room, forcing them to bang, cajole, talk through the door. That leaves them in total powerlessness. Then to absolutely seize control, tell them you don’t like being yelled at through a door, that it’s insulting. This is called a reverse switch and leaves most authority figures completely stymied, and stupid ones, feeling guilty in the bargain.

HARMONY- Why should we have any harmony on earth? Life sucks. Earth is a place for SUFFERING. You’re suffering, why shouldn’t everyone else? Be the Equalizer with your own brand of the Golden Rule. Not to give others what you yourself want… No way! Your job is to give others what you got. Every glad ass is trying to sell some dumbfuckin’ harmony seminar. It’s on every street corner. Harmony has been done to death. COSMIC TRUTH: There’s harmony everywhere EXCEPT on earth. That’s how God made it. Don’t try to fix it if it ain’t broke. If God meant for humans to be happy automatically he wouldn’t have given babies painfully hungry stomachs, wee-wees, ammonia in diapers, mucus in noses, soft skulls that crush with a minor fall off a bed, necks that break with the slightest slap!

SHARING-Ever notice how high horse the enemy gets when you have the flu? It really deserves a get-back. Here you are feeling stuffy, headachy, feverish, unable to sleep and they’re perky as a squirrel going “More tea? Can I get you a Mango smoothie?” Implied by all this wussy pussy energy is ‘where’d you fuck up, you little maniac that you’re this ill? You wanna eat Big Macs with change stolen from my purse, you goddamn pay the price. Look at me. I’m in perfect health. I eat spinach. I never get the flu.” Well, fuck them and the bale of hay they rode in on. They’re made of steel maybe, but you’ve got an endless supply of kryptonite. You’ll show them! The thing to do is get them in a corner where they can’t get away like when they’re reading to you, sitting downwind and cough right in their face. Don’t bother to turn your head or cover your mouth, just casually HACK in their face. Make sure a shower of spit falls on their lips, eyes and nose. If they call you on it, do a wide-eyed huh? Like, aren’t you testy. Here I’m the one dying of a l08 fever and you expect me to HOLD BACK every cough just because you insist on sitting with me and reading me Peter Wabbit?” Then when they come down with your flu and are lying in bed missing work, hacking, as you go out the door, remind them to drink mango smoothies. It’s not expected you make it for them. You’re not Florence Fucking Nightengale. You’re Greta GetBack.”

(via Heyoka Magazine)